Crackedice

It’s one thing to see Terrell Owens or Bret Michaels selling their souls on television. Granted, one traveled the athletic route and one went through music, but there was never any doubt: from the first moment these two guys first caught their reflection in a mirror, they got addicted to the sauce. The fame sauce. The second seminal moment in the lives of people like this (we’re not counting the actual seminal moment, of course) was the first piece of candy, which, we wouldn’t be surprised to learn, they probably immediately took to the nearest mirror to watch themselves eat it.

“Goddamn I’m hot.”

It becomes a little more disappointing when celebrities you once thought had somehow kept their artistic integrity in the midst of Hollywood madness were actually hawking batteries or tampons in a foreign country all along.

And guess what, Rocky? We’re pretty sure that’s not a battery.

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We took a vote, and it’s unanimous. ‘Ginger’ needs to go. Granted, the majority of us working here at Crackedice are of the redheaded persuasion, so perhaps we’ve felt the term’s cruel sting more acutely than most of the population (especially Dwayne, our resident struggling artist janitor). But that doesn’t mean we’re wrong.

The process ain’t pretty, but you could eat off these floors.

Now before you give us the whole, “You’re only 1% of the population; who cares what you think?” argument, we’ve compiled a whole list of reasons (as we are wont to do) why the term should be dropped. For starters…

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or, 5 Affects (Possibly) Effected by Effects

As discussed in our previous entry, it’s pretty clear we (as a society, not we as in this blog—, we know it can be confusing sometimes, just bear with us) have pinpointed and labeled some of the various weird-ass things that influence our bank accounts. But what about our emotional bank accounts, huh? Does anyone ever stop to think about those? And also take the time to name the effect that affects them?

Look for the new Yanni: Emotional Bank Accounts, in stores this fall.

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or, 5 Effects Affecting Your Affects and Effects

Most of us are aware of two or three unusual occurrences, or effects, that hold sway over our day-to-day lives. Our favorite might still be the Doppler effect, least favorite the greenhouse effect, least interested in the Streisand effect.

Pictured: Two of the three above-mentioned effects. (The arrow is her nose.)

But there are hundreds of other effects that dedicated scientists and/or internet slackers spent several years or singular hours naming and annotating so that we might understand how we behave, how we covet, how we feel, and how hot water freezes faster than cool water.

Okay, some are just pretty cool to know. For some, understanding them might liberate you from their power, but for most of these, you’re pretty helpless to change them. For instance…

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or, 5 Reasons Old People Don’t Use Condoms

Riding bareback, baby!

According to a recent study, teens and twenty-somethings are not the most sexually irresponsible age group after all. You hear that, Mom? Mom? Wait, what are you doing in the horny bracket?

And why aren’t you wearing your dentures?

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Apart from those of us in Texas, we can all admit that the human body carries around a significant amount of evolutionary dead weight. Body hair, for instance, we either smear with antiperspirant or shave off; fingernails are no longer our primary means of self-defense or hole-digging; and don’t even get me started on male nipples.

Is it still pornography if the lactating nipple is actually a dude’s lactating oh I guess so.

Most of these useless corporeal ornaments are ignored, celebrated with dye, paint or piercings, or are just plain unheard of. But we still have a bone to pick with evolution.

You’re not finished yet, bub.

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Last year (possibly), I inherited $78 million dollars from an eccentric dead uncle I never knew or had even heard of previously. He was just that kind of eccentric, I guess. But instead of telling the IRS or solving world hunger like I always said I would if this exact thing happened, on a whim I decided to build a real, legit, honest-to-god hoverboard.

Well, after those two weeks in Columbia. Then the hoverboard.

First step: research. Initial Google searches proved futile, as apparently ten thousand bloggers out there were so impressed by this dude’s leaf-blower that they all tagged a post or two “how to make hoverboard.”

You can even buy a slimmer, more professional looking, air-bag-based, feet-sized hovercraft with a slightly smaller leaf blower attached, but it still weighs eighty pounds! I haven’t lifted eighty pounds since my bachelor party (it turns out, crack whores don’t weigh a whole lot).

Oddly enough, the wedding got canceled after I posted the pics on Facebook.

On a side note, it pisses me off those fuckers are allowed to call it a hoverboard. I mean really, didn’t Zemeckis ever patent that shit?

But, no, I wasn’t looking for anything that could be simulated by a fart on a leather chair, thanks. Or a whoopie cushion on a leather chair, or a leather chair on a midget, or wait, where was I going with this? Oh, right, mescaline.

The Shaqtus actually produces muscaline.

So after a brief fortnight with the cactus people, I knew what I wanted. I wanted to float soundlessly, not on a cushion of air, but on a cushion of molecules, or protons, or a stack of leprechauns, it didn’t matter to me so long as it was something that couldn’t be seen, felt or heard by normal human powers. I wanted to float like a fairy. With magic.

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Recently, Slate.com asked its readers to come up with a quick-and-easy rule to determine when using a cell phone (for any reason, texting and tweeting included) should be considered rude. The winning suggestion is referred to as the bathroom rule, which basically means if the occasion calls for you to offer an “excuse me” before going to the bathroom, you ought to have the same courtesy for your company before whipping out your other four-inch piece of technology. (Also, if you do excuse yourself, don’t be gone longer than an ordinary bathroom trip. The rule is flexible like that.)

“@LeBron Figured out how to dribble and hold ball at same time LOL.”

Reading between the lines, this rule acknowledges that answering your phone, texting, tweeting, or otherwise fucking around on your iPhone is the equivalent of being in a completely different place (i.e., the bathroom), albeit mentally.

Here’s a list of seemingly obvious times it would be ill-advised to suddenly “go to the bathroom,” as it were, and yet people still do it. All the time.

“I apologize for nothing.”

Such as when you are…

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Don’t know if you heard, but as recent genetic tests prove, the triceratops wasn’t a thing. I would like to back off now, to pause and give that a while to sink in, but the fact that this wasn’t the front page, 180-point-font headline of the New York Times when it was announced proves to me that the world doesn’t care as much about this demotion as I do.

For those who don’t yet know, the perfect animal being we all grew up knowing and loving was merely a baby torosaurus, a twenty-five-foot fan-necked three-horned lizard that was fine as its own entity— right up until it gave the People’s Elbow to my childhood.

“Just be thankful I didn’t ask you to smell what I was cooking.”

There are plenty of other fan-necks, plenty of other horns, all of them dinos with weird, super-syllabic names unpronounceable to your given five-year-old. Triceratops was the perfect dinosaur, and as dinosaurs were clearly the most perfect creation ever to tumble off God’s sweet carapace— well, maybe this is starting to become clear to you.

Pictured: God

In case clarity still eludes you, here are four analogies that might help.

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